Polyamory: It’s Perfectly Natural

Somebody press the reset button. Shudder.

Believe as you will, but your rationale falls apart in light of the facts. Today, right now, there are hundreds of thousands of people finding the satisfaction you reference in stable, long-term relationships with more than one person, openly and honestly. Time and again I see people who object to polyamory make such pronouncements as yours who are undeniably wrong about it. I realize this doesn’t square with what you have been taught to believe, but that doesn’t make it any less true. That old saw about finding our one and only love with whom we will live happily ever after has left a significant portion of today’s adults disillusioned and looking for something better, and some of them find it in responsible non-monogamy. They aren’t fooling themselves or rationalizing away their misery, because they are happy and know what happiness is. They approach their relationships and their lives with intentionality, self-awareness and wisdom – polyamory doesn’t work very well at all for people who don’t possess those qualities.

Anita, you’re probably going to hate me after I write my thoughts but what the heck, it’s a free world hey?
I feel ever so secure in my relationship with my wife. Knowing that we are 100% devoted to each other is the safest thing. True love is complete devotion. So it is impossible to de completely devoted to someone if there is a sexual union with a different person.

Where do you take your cues from about what is good and right in life?

I can see a time when “true love” will involve inviting the child into the bed in the midst if sexual activity. You may not be involved in group sex but other adults consent to this and aren’t they “wise” enough to make this decision? So who draws the line and says that children should not be involved? What about the family dog? Surely dogs are people too? Sounds crazy. But not too long ago people would have said you were crazy too, in fact many still do.

So Anita, where do you draw the line? Take a look at history. Have you heard of bestiality? People have done it before and as long as people reject God this sin will cone back too.

I guess you’ll tell me you don’t believe in God anyway. Well there’s an abstract thought dreamed up by some selfish and bored philosophers. Perhaps you ate selfish and bored?

Ultimately your sin will consume and destroy you as an individual and will tear your own life apart, both now in this life and in eternity. And your sin is helping to tear the fabric of society apart too. Way to go, in your selfishness to have more “pleasure” you are ruining society for the rest of us.

Your sin deeply grieves the heart of God. You were made for so much more. You were created for intimacy with God. But because you will not seek it with God you seek it with multiple sexual partners. But you will never be satisfied that way. The more you seek else where the less satisfied you will become. You see, sex in marriage us a picture of the intimacy that God desires with us. How sad that you have missed this.

Please take the chance to repent of your sin. Seek God for his forgiveness through Jesus Christ. If not, the time is coming when you will face your judgement, both in this life and in eternity.

And please do us all favour, stop tearing our society apart.

Thanks for listening Anita.

Paul,

You really present a worn-out and totally irrational argument: you go straight from love and sex between consenting adults to pedophilia and bestiality. I fail to see the correlation (and so does professional counselors and psychologists) between having a sexual relationship with more than one person to having sex with children and animals. If this was truly the case than many supposedly monogamous people are out there having sex with children and goats because they also cheat on their spouse. In fact, 7 out of 10 marriages experience cheating.

So how is Anita’s supposed sin going to tear her life apart here in the the afterlife and also the fabric of society and the 3 out of 10 women and 4 out of 10 men sitting with you in church on Sunday that are cheating on their spouse not going to do the same?

Lastly, you are arrogantly assuming that everyone believes as you do. You forget that 2/3′s of the world is not Christian. You arrogantly feel that everyone in the world should live by Christian standards, the Jews, the Buddhists, the Muslims, the Hindus and many, many others. Remember, self-righteousness is not religion.

Okay, fine. Let’s take Christianity out of the equation for a minute. Let’s just look at polyamory. Polyamory, to love many, but not marry? Sounds like a noncommittal polygamy to me. Is it because they won’t let you marry more than one person, or is it so that there’s no real attachment there for you so that you can move along when you “fall out of love” with that person.

Without even going into Christianity, the very definition of love isn’t infatuation. To fall back on cliches, “love is a verb.” It’s an act. Sure, you may not always be happy with your spouse. Things might not even be going the way that you planned, but marriage boasts a commitment to work for that relationship.

Who cares if everyone else is doing it? It doesn’t make it right. Just because 7 out of 10 marriages experience cheating doesn’t make it okay. Just because you’re not getting married, and shacking up with anyone that makes you happy for the moment doesn’t make it not bad.

It’s the throw-away culture that we’ve become. We can’t deal with our problems or work them out on our own. We need meds, and there’s conditions for everything that once was a personality trait. And why not translate that to our love lives? Sure. Why not? There’s plenty of men and women out there. Right?

Sure, movies and books and television have romantized love and marriage telling you that if you are constantly “happy” or satisfied with your partner, then you must not love them anymore. But that isn’t love.

Continue on with your polyinfatuation if you want. No one can really stop you. You’re basically just putting a word to what people have been doing for so long anyway. I just think it’s a sad statement of how love has been watered down to a happy, sappy, lust-driven sham.

If you actually want to experience happiness in life, you have to accept that some things aren’t going to make you happy, and do it anyway.

(Oh, and I’m married… and I waited.)

Paul said:

“Anita, you’re probably going to hate me after I write my thoughts but what the heck, it’s a free world hey?”

It absolutely is, and I won’t hate you for telling your truth – I hope you won’t hate me for telling mine.

“I feel ever so secure in my relationship with my wife. Knowing that we are 100% devoted to each other is the safest thing. True love is complete devotion. So it is impossible to de completely devoted to someone if there is a sexual union with a different person.”

I hear that it is impossible *for you*, but it isn’t impossible for many others of us. Though we are not legally married, I am 100% devoted to my primary partner, and he to me. We don’t believe we need to be legally bound to each other to make a commitment to each other. Our commitment also includes a promise that no matter who else we may also care for and share intimacy with, we will always do what is necessary to keep our relationship healthy and happy. When everyone involved also commits not to do anything to undermine each other’s relationships, it works and works well. This works well for us, but in no way am I condemning your values and the way you choose to live your life. I just wish you could say the same about me.

“Where do you take your cues from about what is good and right in life?”

This will seem ironic to you, but my Southern Baptist upbringing laid a foundation that made me a good person. As an adult I came to question not my Christianity, but the way significant issues in the Bible were and continue to be interpreted by religious leaders. (For example, I do not believe that God is the jealous, vengeful God we are told He is. Neither do I believe in the devil or that hell exists.) Today I am a Unitarian Universalist. We “UUs” follow a set of principles which include believing in everyone’s right to search for the spiritual path that best suits their personal beliefs. We also believe in the inherent worth and dignity of all persons. There is more, and if interested you can find it at http://www.uua.org/visitors/6798.shtml

“So Anita, where do you draw the line? Take a look at history. Have you heard of bestiality? People have done it before and as long as people reject God this sin will cone back too.”

Polyamorists have their own beliefs and worship in their own way. We simply do not believe as you do. We do not believe what we are doing is “rejecting God”. You speak as though we all believe in God in the same way that you do. Lucius responded to that point well enough. That I won’t belabor the point further.

I have never in the 15 yars I’ve been a part of the polyamory community ever heard anyone advocate that sex with animals or children is OK, too. There is no reason, and certainly no evidence whatsoever, to indicate that our personal values don’t include limits as to what is appropriate and what is not when it comes to defenseless children and animals. Polyamory is ethically practiced only when all concerned are consenting adults. That perspective is a strong part of our community culture, and neither children nor animals can give consent. It is also just as clear to us as it is to you that they are at great risk for physical and psychological harm at the hands of an older and more powerful adults. The idea is as preposterous to us as it would be to you were someone to imply that you yourself might consider these acts. Our believing differently from you as to what appropriate romantic partnership may include doesn’t mean we don’t have other values in common. The question of sex with children and animals is a perfect example.

“Ultimately your sin will consume and destroy you as an individual and will tear your own life apart, both now in this life and in eternity. And your sin is helping to tear the fabric of society apart too. Way to go, in your selfishness to have more “pleasure” you are ruining society for the rest of us.”

I am guilty of nothing more than loving more than one person, openly and honestly. Polyamorists tend to take a more positive and healthy approach to human sexuality than much of our sex-negative culture, but we *focus* on sex no more than monogamous people do – a common erroneous assumption.

I am happy, as are those I love, and we are hurting no one. Your interpretation of what we do is your own, and neither you nor any religious institution has a right to dictate what is best for me, just as neither I nor people who believe as I do have no right to dictate what is right for you. I am a good person who does good works. I give back to my community and to the world, and I conscienciously do my best to harm no one. I am at peace with God and see no indication that He is not at peace with me. If what I am doing were truly wrong in the eyes of God, I believe that surely something would have happened to convince me of this. It hasn’t.

“Your sin deeply grieves the heart of God. You were made for so much more.”

You cannot know this for a fact – what I was made for is not your busines or your concern.

“You were created for intimacy with God. But because you will not seek it with God you seek it with multiple sexual partners. But you will never be satisfied that way. The more you seek else where the less satisfied you will become. You see, sex in marriage us a picture of the intimacy that God desires with us. How sad that you have missed this.”

I have missed nothing, and I am not in the least dissatisfied with the way I live my life. I have an abundance of love and security that is directly a result of my principles on which I choose to live my life. I am in mutually devoted, trusting and loving relationships that enrich our lives in many ways, something I never found in either of my traditional monogamous marriages. It works for me. I’m not asking anyone else to choose it. However, I will vehemently insist on beig left in peace and to be spared condemnation from people who have no right to interfere with my freedom to choose what is best for me. I have no right to interfere with your choices, and neither do you have a right to interfere with mine.

“Please take the chance to repent of your sin. Seek God for his forgiveness through Jesus Christ. If not, the time is coming when you will face your judgement, both in this life and in eternity.”

This is your belief system and not mine. One of the principal reasons I rejected mainstream Christianity is that such threats alienated me. I don’t believe what you say, and my soul and eternity are mine to worry about, not yours, though I understand that you are doing what you think is right.

“And please do us all favour, stop tearing our society apart.”

Hogwash. There is nothing whatsover to warrant such an accusation, because society is not being torn apart, at least not by anything I am doing. Regardless, I am happy to leave you in peace to live your life as you deem best. I respectfully request that you do the same for me.

“Thanks for listening Anita.”

You are welcome. I hope you have granted me the same courtesy and appreciate it if you have.

bman, I’m happy to answer your questions. First, you say:

“Okay, fine. Let’s take Christianity out of the equation for a minute. Let’s just look at polyamory.”

This is kind of difficult to do since the Christian Right has embedded itself so deeply in monopolizing “marriage” in the same-sex marriage debate. You can’t on one hand say that marriage is a Christian thing to do, then throw it out to make another point.

“Polyamory, to love many, but not marry? Sounds like a noncommittal polygamy to me. Is it because they won’t let you marry more than one person, or is it so that there’s no real attachment there for you so that you can move along when you “fall out of love” with that person.”

Polygamy is a religious-based plural marriage situation. Polygamy is practiced by those that feel that Pope Benedict VIII was right in banning plural marriage and enforcing a celibate clergy in 1022 CE. Polyamory has nothing to do with “marriage” as defined by some Christian Americans, but simply the same emotions of love and respect that make people want to get married in the first place.

You also imply that with real love comes “real” attachment through marriage. Doesn’t this view discount the validity of emotions and devotion of those that are not legally married, including those that are just engaged? What you are saying with this statement is that there can be no real love without attachment in the manner of a legal and spiritual bonding. That may be how you personally feel and view your life, but that is not how everyone else does. I am married to my wife, however that marriage license in no way affects my devotion, love and respect for her. That comes simply from me, and with marriage license or without, I’d feel the same strong bond to her.

“Without even going into Christianity, the very definition of love isn’t infatuation. To fall back on cliches, “love is a verb.” It’s an act. Sure, you may not always be happy with your spouse. Things might not even be going the way that you planned, but marriage boasts a commitment to work for that relationship.”

Don’t confuse monogamy with commitment, because they are not the same. One is a relationship structure, the other is an emotional bond to, and respect for, someone else. They are not the same. There are many monogamist relationships that have very little real commitment to each other and respect for each other. Monogamy does not automatically constitute commitment and respect for each other.

All relationships involve lots of work to make them successful, and polyamorous relationships have as much commitment (if not more sometimes)than monogamous ones; that commitment is just to more than one person, but very much just as valid and just as strong as it would be to just one. Polyamory is not about having the ability to just leave your partner for another just because they pissed you off. Polyamory is about having strong, honest, committed relationships just like monogamy, it’s just with more people involved. And in most cases, much more honest and open communication.

“Who cares if everyone else is doing it? It doesn’t make it right.”

That’s a great comment, and I can use that right back at you: Just because the currently accepted relationship structure in the U.S. is marriage between one man and one woman doesn’t make it the “right” way. Right for some maybe, but not right for everyone. And there is nothing outside of a few passages in the Bible that 1/3 of the world’s population follows that says the one man one woman model is the “right” model. Remember, just because it’s the way things are right now doesn’t mean it’s the way they are supposed to be. And conventionality does not equal morality.

“Just because you’re not getting married, and shacking up with anyone that makes you happy for the moment doesn’t make it not bad.”

You assume that I a not married, but as mentioned earlier I am. I’ve been married for 9 of the almost 11 years I’ve known my wife. And guaranteed, my commitment to her is as strong or stronger than anyone’s relationship you could produce as an example to me.

“It’s the throw-away culture that we’ve become. We can’t deal with our problems or work them out on our own. We need meds, and there’s conditions for everything that once was a personality trait. And why not translate that to our love lives? Sure. Why not? There’s plenty of men and women out there. Right?

Sure, movies and books and television have romantized love and marriage telling you that if you are constantly “happy” or satisfied with your partner, then you must not love them anymore. But that isn’t love.

Continue on with your polyinfatuation if you want. No one can really stop you. You’re basically just putting a word to what people have been doing for so long anyway. I just think it’s a sad statement of how love has been watered down to a happy, sappy, lust-driven sham.”

This whole little rant simply makes the once again arrogant statement that my love for my wife is less than your love for your wife. You are discounting my feelings for my wife, yet you know nothing of me. You assume that because my relationship doesn’t look like yours that mine is less valid than yours. I could say the same for you: that your relationship is less valid than mine and your love is less authentic than mine because your relationship is different than mine. Just because I don’t love as you love doesn’t mean that I don’t love, or that my love is any less valid or real than yours. It may look different, but it is every bit as valid and real.

“If you actually want to experience happiness in life, you have to accept that some things aren’t going to make you happy, and do it anyway.”

You have no idea what accepting some things that don’t make you happy and doing them anyway really means until you have to compromise with more than just one person. When you have to consider and accommodate more than just your feelings, or your spouse’s feelings and wants and needs. There is much more work that goes into making a successful poly relationship than is needed to make a successful monogamist relationship.

For one, there has to be much more open and honest communication. Which also means that there is much more opportunity for someone’s feelings to get hurt because no one is pulling any punches and/or sugar coating things. Nothing less than being honest about your feelings and needs will make a successful poly relationship. Nothing.

Second, the amount of communication needed to make the relationship successful doesn’t just increase by 33% if you add one more person or 50% if you add two; it multiplies exponentially with each person added to the relationship. The amount of love, affection and attention that has to be given to each partner also multiplies exponentially. You can not neglect one partner and pay attention more to the other. It will not work. If you were giving your primary partner X-amount of affection and attention before, you now have to give them X to the 3rd power more now. But, the funny thing is that love + love = more love, and for all you give you get back double or triple. It’s a funny yet very understandable result. It snowballs.

I hope that explains it just a bit more. Always remember that there are many roads to happiness and fulfillment in this world, and just because someone isn’t on your road doesn’t mean that the are lost.

I guess I just don’t understand the idea of being 100% devoted to more than one person. It’s just not possible.

If I have two jobs (A and B), and I’m 100% devoted to the first, then my other job would suffer because I’d be spending all my time with job A. If I was truly 100% devoted to job A, I’d be getting overtime and picking up extra shifts and job B would fall by the wayside.

Mathematically speaking, you have 100% of devotion to give. You can’t give more than your 100% because it’s a percentage and 100% is the most you can give. So, if you gave job A 50%, you only have 50% more for job B, (or C, D, E, etc). Correct?

It may feel like you’re 100% devoted to your partner/spouse, but if there are feelings for others, then the number could well be 99%, but it cannot be 100%.

Now, as far as assumptions go, you are correct. I did assume that you are unmarried. I apologize for assuming. As I mentioned before, the idea of being married in an open relationship seems foreign to me and seems to go against the marriage vows that I spoke when I married my wife, but probably aren’t the same vows that you spoke.

This assumption isn’t based on your “relationship doesn’t look like [mine] that [yours] is less valid than [mine].” It’s based on the math that I’ve already mentioned.

Polygamy was not, however, based on something about the pope… That’s been around for longer than Catholicism. But it doesn’t really matter.

I am sorry if I offended. This was unintentional, and I guess I didn’t realize how worked up I’d get. I apologize for that.

Here’s some questions that I ask:

What drives you to be in relationships with another? What is it that the others have, that your partner/spouse does not?

We are making a mistake in arguing this point with people who are not regenerated. How can we expect people who have not accepted Christ to behave as Christians? These people who disagree with our position on this point are the very people who Christ would be eating and drinking with. His message to them would be one of love and acceptance regardless of their sins. Thank God he accepted me where I was (and am).
I’m not saying I think their position is right, but I do think it is consistent with their position toward God.

Wow, wow, wow, Matthew, you opened an interesting can of worms with this blog write-up!
I agree with bman — you can only be 100% devoted to one person. No way around that, that is for sure. And if you are not 100% devoted to one person–then wouldn’t the other person who you are only 10%, 25% or whatever devoted to, have major jealousy and ego issues?–as will you as you would know you are being unfair and hurting people? But if a person has gotten to the point that they have multiple relationships like this, they’ve gotten to the point that they desensitize to those things.

Mmmm….the world is a lot worse off ever since people have began “loosening” the meaning of being in a singular covenant relationship with one’s spouse.–ever since people have begun seeking to have their needs met through ways other than how God created it to be (which we know–because of what God’s Word says—is one man, with one woman, in one marriage, for life). But if you don’t have respect for the Bible being THE WORD of GOD…..then, of course, anything goes (or just about as long as it doesn’t include animals or children).

And yes, we were made for only one thing–to Worship God. No one else will satisfy. So, why not be 100% devoted to God–then the rest of your life (love life, included) will fall into place according to how God created it to be–according to what lines up with HIS Word–one man, one woman, in marriage, for life.